17 [action/written]

[frost_jewel]

[On the border between afternoon and evening of the 31st, the draft ends for Mia. For a while, all she can do is look around at the village, standing still near where they all arrive. Then she takes what remains of her notes to the battledome. To turn them over to...well, whoever is there to give them to. She doesn't want to talk, at least not for very long.

Then she goes home, House 16, and checks on her housemates before taking what is perhaps the longest shower in her entire life. The water is freezing by the time she's done, and she doesn't care. The next morning, whoever wakes first will find the coffee is ready and there is no Mercury Adept in sight.

She's out for a walk. It's not a long one: back to the battledome, to check on people. Any people, but especially those she knows well. If there are questions she has to answer - and she doubts very much there won't be questions - then she will, as polite and quiet as she ever is. When she's through there, she'll head for nearby houses and apartments, without going too far. She knows her limits and is waiting to meet up with them.

That autopilot carries her until midafternoon. What follows isn't exactly a crash. It's a slow spiral, one that finds her walking back to the house at a glacial pace, as though she might find somewhere to hide instead. But she can't. Instead she huddles into a chair in the living room, finally opening the journal to write something.]

Thank you to everyone who was there to help us. [She doesn't feel the need to specify where. The next several things she tries are crossed out, until:] I'm sorry we couldn't do more, sooner.

[[ooc: Whew look at all that action! She's mostly bouncing from house to battledome, and if you want to run into her while she's walking or standing and staring off into space, that's great too!]]

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[frost_jewel]

Mia rested her head against Katara's shoulder, more grateful for the hug this time than she could put into words. She was trembling, just a little, letting go of the need to maintain that facade of being okay. Katara was kind, to do this.

She wanted to tell those who had died that she was sorry they didn't get the chance to save them. Most especially she didn't want any thanks, feeling as though she didn't deserve it.

And she didn't want to feel like she was trapped by herself in her head anymore. Then, suddenly, she didn't. She moved next, turning the gesture into a real embrace. What she should have done at the start.

[markofthebrave]

Katara returned Mia's embrace, hugging the other girl tightly. "I know you must have felt so scared," she said quietly. "I would have, without my powers. They're the first things I reach for when someone is hurt. And I know right now you're feeling guilty, because you feel like you should have been able to do more - maybe keep them from being hurt in the first place. Because that's the way I feel. And it's hard, it's so hard, to fight for someone and watch them slip away."

She took a deep breath, "And that's why you need to let it out, Mia. Because I don't want you to slip away. Don't let this poison you. What you're feeling is okay, just... let it out."

[frost_jewel]

I can't, she wanted to say. I can't let go of failing in my duties. Even though she knew she could. She had learned that, and much more, through her journey at home, and through doing things here. That the "right" decision and plan wasn't always the one that was going to work, or even necessarily the best one.

And it was nice, it felt good, to be safe again. Katara did understand. It wouldn't all magically go away overnight, but that was okay, too.

"Thank you," she managed to whisper. She was right, of course - thinking like this would poison her. When she found herself weakly lifting one hand to cover her face, she realized that letting it out wasn't quite as hard as she had thought.

[markofthebrave]

And Katara held her, eventually moving a hand to stroke soothingly over Mia's shoulders, above her wings. That's right. Let it out.

[frost_jewel]

It stopped, after a while. Mia felt empty, unable to really keep holding onto Katara but too...something, too tired to let go. Above all she felt that she shouldn't have been so affected by what had transpired on the draft, that as a healer she ought to be better than this, and that she would find no judgment in this room.

"I'm so sorry," though there was very little left of her voice to say it with.

[markofthebrave]

"It's okay," Katara whispered. "We can't... always fix everything. The important thing is that we don't let that stop us from trying."

[frost_jewel]

"I know. I-I know better than this."

And for now, she was through crying about it. Eventually she would be able to recognize all that they did accomplish. To know that the wasting-away virus would not have a chance at doing to Luceti what it had done to Vaskoth.

"You've been so kind, Katara." Mia sat up, a little, reluctant to lose the support.

[markofthebrave]

"I know I wasn't there," Katara said quietly. "But I know what it's like to feel helpless, like I should have done better. And that's not easy to carry."

She slowly let go of Mia, one hand coming up to touch her necklace. And she thought of a day, a long time ago, where she'd bended a map out of tea, and a man who'd reduced her to tears because of all she'd carried inside. She thought of a boy her age by the ocean, refusing to break, refusing to let himself feel. She thought of a different boy, screaming at her on a riverbank. And of still another one, with the weight of the world on his shoulders, who'd lost his only friend, who sought to give up hope.

"I know you'd do the same for me."

[frost_jewel]

"Of course I would." It was unseemly to wipe her eyes with her sleeve but she did it anyway. That was quite enough of that. "I do feel better now."

[markofthebrave]

"If you ever need to talk about anything, just let me know."

She can't help it, she puts her hand on Mia's shoulder again and squeezes.

"As long as I can be here for you, I will be."

[frost_jewel]

"Thank you. I will. Do you...mind if I just sit here for a while?" She turned her sheepish blush toward the floor. "Or is there something I can help with? Something easy," she added, because it wasn't hard to guess what Katara might be thinking. "I know I've been working a lot but it feels strange to just...stop."

[markofthebrave]

"I think you should just sit here for a bit and see if you can rest," she started to stand. "...but if I can find some sort of busywork that would put me to sleep, I'd be happy to pass it on."

[frost_jewel]

Mia stood as Katara did, in order to hug her again briefly. It was what she should have done in the first place.

"I came here to visit some of those who were out there with me, and I think I'll still do that." With less of a strain on her conscience, too. "If it isn't too much trouble for you, though, I will sit here and compose myself first."

She knew her own limits, how reduced they would be for the next little while.

[markofthebrave]

Katara returned Mia's hug and pulled back, smiling. "Take as much time as you need. Would you like something to drink?"

[frost_jewel]

It felt...strange, but all right, to be taken care of.

"Water is fine." She wouldn't complain if they had something better - like tea - but guilt bubbled up again at the thought that, if they didn't have it and she asked, Katara would have to make it.

[markofthebrave]

Katara eyed Mia somewhat clinically, "Are you sure you don't want something from one of the vending machines instead? Like maybe a drink with some protein or electrolytes in it?"

[frost_jewel]

Mia raised one blue eyebrow at her in return. Was she doctoring at her? Sounded like it.

"Then it can be your choice." And she could consider Mia thoroughly amused, given the situation. It was hard to believe that that would make her feel better.

[markofthebrave]

"Okay," Katara smiled. "Then I'll be back soon. Just try to be here now, okay?"

[frost_jewel]

"Yes, of course. I'll be here." Quite unintentionally, she missed Katara's meaning. Getting into trouble for leaving the room was low on her list of things to do that day, but the first thing she thought of.